Written and performed by Paul Maki.
Our tag announcer is the wonderful Tanner from the Radio X Network!
Find more tidbits from this “Master Vampire” and check out his blog!
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Written by Tabitha Grace Smith
Performed by Mur Lafferty
Our tag announcer is the wonderful Tanner from Radio X Network!
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Special thanks to Tanner and the rest of the crew of The Manner’s Cast for this great spoof of their podcast! If you ever wanted to know what manners look like for vampires, the gang at the Manner’s Cast can tell ya!
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Special thanks to C. Jake Cordova and Christiana Jarvis for their help with this special spoof of Just Not Right and Jake’s “Letters from a Utah Nut” segment.
Written by Tabitha Grace Smith
Edited by AthenaMuze
Our tag announcer is the wonderful Tanner from Radio X Network!
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Buffy Between the Lines gets cloned! I mean…. BBTL gets a clone!
Special thanks to podcast novelist J.C. Hutchins for help with this promo and for providing the voice of Kilroy 2.0. Check out 7th Son at JCHutchins.net
Also thanks to Aric from the Mustache Rangers who played both soldiers.
This promo was written by Tabitha Grace Smith.
Edited by Paula
Our tag announcer is the wonderful Tanner from Radio X Network!
A teaser promo written by beer_good_foamy and read by Kim from Upside Down and Halfway to Happyland.
Our tag announcer is the wonderful Tanner from Radio X Network
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The other day as I tried for the thousandth time to get my part just right without the aid of a mirror, I realized that I missed a few things in the fine print of the brochure before I was turned.
Oh sure, being among the undead can be cool. That whole lack-of-a-conscience thing is a huge time saver. I don’t worry about having eleven items in the ten-items-or-less line at Walmart anymore.
And tax deductions? You name it, I’ve claimed it.
Sometimes I even take two newspapers from the dispenser although though I’ve only paid for one. How evil is that?
You’d think that having no soul would be pretty cool, too. The upside? No guilt, no worries about eternity. The downside? I don’t enjoy blues music anymore.
Which is sort of the point. If there actually was a glossy, three-fold “So You Want to Live Forever” brochure, it probably wouldn’t mention the things you have to give up.
Take mirrors, for instance. What’s a fashion conscious vampire to do? Did you ever think of that?
When I go to Men’s Warehouse I have to pick a suit off the rack, try it on in the dressing room, and then buy it without alterations. If I tried to get it tailored, they’d make me stand in front of a mirror while they measured and marked. When the nice sales guy found himself staring at his own ugly mug instead of my backside, he’d probably guess something was up. Who would have guessed that the cost of immortality would include unhemmed cuffs and off-the-rack fashions?
And don’t get me started on carnival funhouses. No reflection means I look exactly the same in all of the mirrors.
The inability to go into a residence uninvited is a huge pain. Gaining access means standing on the stoop and begging or wheedling and conniving to get in. It’s like an endless game of “Mother May I” or maybe a nightmare career as a door-to-door salesman.
Ding-dong, eternity calling!
I’ve had more doors slammed in my face than a Mormon Missionary working in the Bible Belt.
It doesn’t help that do all of my knocking after dark.
Which is another thing that bugs me about having turned. An awful lot of the really cool stuff only happens in full daylight. When was the last time the Macy’s people held their parade after sundown? Covering up is always an option, but if you’re accidentally exposed you’re suddenly more useful for roasting marshmallows than waving at floats.
Mardi Gras is still an option, but most of the folks there are just too weird.
For major pain-in-the-afterlife, though, nothing beats the problems associated with feeding. Mortals have it so easy. There’s a restaurant or grocery store on every corner. No wonder they’re all so fat, there’s food everywhere! It’s a wonder the average weight of mortals isn’t somewhere north of a half ton.
For us revenants, feeding involves finding a ready source of blood. Any handy mammal will do, but that’s the vampire equivalent of a salad. It’s filling, but not satisfying. Taking a human — especially a young and healthy human — is fine dining.
In fact, some enterprising member of the Turned should give thought to opening a Revenant Restaurant. Maybe a place with a classy name like Chez Pierre. (Slogan: A Wholly Owned Subsidiary of Wolfram and Hart!)
Reservations could be taken nightly and the menu would include lighter fare such college co-eds along with meatier dishes like boxers and bikers. If you got tired of waiting, you could always take a bite or two of the maitre de.
But, of course, since we’re all so busy competing with each other the odds are that nobody will open the restaurant anytime soon. I’ve heard, though, that Toronto has a rockin’ night club called Raven. Maybe I’ll give that a try.
A teaser promo spoof of the Short Cummings by the podcast’s host Kevin Cummings.
Kevin Cummings also appears as vamp!self.
Our tag announcer is the wonderful Tanner from Radio X Network
Full text of this podcast is available here.
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This spoof of the MAC vs. PC ads brought to you by:
Slayer: Kim from Upside Down and Halfway to Happyland
Watcher: Wesley from Planet Retcon
Announcer: Tanner from Radio X Network
Music for this episode is “SunnySugarBabyAngelBunniesMarchingOverGreenHills” by Edgar Malaran courtesy of the PodSafe Music Network.
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This is our first completed pre-show content. Glory, from Season 5 of Buffy, is looking for her key and has sent a minion off to find it.
Written by Tabitha Smith
Special thanks to our actors:
Gwendolyn Jensen-Woodard as Sarah, the housewife;
Dedrick Jensen-Woodard as the minion;
and big thanks to Tanner over at Radio X Network for being our movie announcer voice
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